The world smiles at you

Have you ever felt the immense joy from just gazing, understanding, watching a person smile. It is definitely a joy like no other.
The other day on my way to work i stopped at a traffic light alongside a school bus. As i was waiting for the light to change, i looked up at the windows of the bus. There were these two little girls who had their pencil boxes open and were showing each other the contents.
My mind just rewound to years back about how easy it was for us to be happy about some many things in our lives. I imagined their conversation as i watched their faces break into smiles. "That one is so nice, naa. 5 rupees only. Come, we'll share this 'pen-pencil' today." They laughed so happily i felt myself break into a smile thinking: "enjoy every bit of your time, dears. there's nothing else in life quite like it."
Another night I was driving home and I was at another traffic intersection and the signal was not on. I stopped and noticed a scooter coming from the right with two women sitting on it. They slowed down too obviously thinking I was going ahead. I nodded that they should proceed. However, the women driving gestured for me to go. This went on for a bit. When i finally inched forward, so did they. Surprised at each other's actions, she broke into the most wonderful smile which I reciprocated at the same time. She did go ahead, the smile never leaving her face. Something about it was so incredibly sweet.
Later that week, at church there was a baptism of a really cute little baby girl. The girl started making the loudest noises she could. From loud gurgles to earnest proclamations, you couldnt help but smile when a baby makes noises as beautiful as that. I looked to my right and i found I wasn't the only one. This woman had her eyebrows arched, listening intently and smiling once, twice, thrice one after another. She was loving just listening to the sounds of the baby.
Today, as I write this at the internet centre, I'm thinking back trying to recall whats making me write all this. I look beyond the computer and I see this teenage girl sitting typing at another computer and as she hits a few keys keeps on smiling and breaks into laughter a few times. Just chatting (obviously) but finding so much joy in it. Then it hits me. IT is a unique feeling just gazing at people smile. Its wonderful and I realised it is enough to overcome you and make forget about everything else. There really is so much beauty in the world.

Back to the beginning - the return to ACJ story

We entered from the road from the opposite direction - I'm so used to entering from the other side
A trip back to where it all began...
I feel this tingling in my gut - I have definitely felt it before
Noo, it couldn't be, could it? What else could be the reason? it has to be...
Flashes of memory - of moments long ago - of feelings felt and never forgotten
The first time - the entrance exam - i felt the tingle - it was much more
The first day- it was there but different
The return - the tingle is back as Nelly screeches up the entrance
I park where i always do - but something feels different this time
We walk back into our past - a picture of something special
a look at Yolanda's surprise - like something she least expected
a few glances around...
A girl hurries past - short hair, glasses, a purposeful walk -- I'm guessing a broadcast student - story due on Monday.

A trip up the stairs - scenes of long ago - more memories of the past
When we looked at seniors with unfamilar faces in the known crowd
Now we were the unknown faces...at least with one exception... "SAIKAT" a voice travels
"You must be Saikat Niyogi" , "yes thats right" a tone trying to sound surprised
A walk up the stairs past a sweet face buried in a book - this batch's Chinmayi perhaps

We pass our lockers and stop and tug at some handles to remember the times like they used to be
We stand or kneel at our lockers and look at each other - "Man, those were the days"
Meet the lab guy - to whom i ask, "does the server still keep crashing?" to which he nods saying,"it happens." Some things never change.
Enter the library - the cemetery more likely- the silence is deathly- you can hear a pindrop.
You'd think it was empty- but they were as many people as on some days when we had quizes.
A guy on the leftmost desk had six books piled one on top of the other.
A few upward glances and they return to their work.

A stroll to peruse past accomplishments - the word
The glances as we walk by become more knowing - is it who they think it is?
The approach - Three quick steps followed by two slower ones - the girl reaches the shelf
"Are you Saikat Niyogi?" "Yes, and you are...
An extravagant hand movement followed by a step closer and a lean ... words whispered that were hardly audible
too late, two males had arrived realsing who it was that was here.
a conversation ensues mainly about woes of ACJ and questions whether it gets better
The decibel level goes slightly higher
Enter long hair, smile, Live life to the fullest attitude - "Are you guys having the key issues meeting here?"
"Oh, sorry" on seeing an unfamiliar face.
She walks straight past, reaches for the nearest book and listens.
The sound level increases a little more... A loud SHHHHHH..... from the nearest table
Ooooooh, thats cold! She looks like someone we know and sounds like someone else we know.
The ACJ batch of 2004 seems to have a lot of clones in the current batch to whom they have passed many of their qualities.

The labs are pretty much the same ...the messages are in early this year
"DOnt you dare sit here", "i'll be right back" "This is my comp" - For God's sake, even the names of the people are the same. Ah there's a new name - even that sounds like a name we know.
Another clone starts on her work - her voice and her mannerisms are uncannily familiar.

A trip to the terrace to catch up with one from the present batch
Oh there is something new - the railings - for safety - guess now there's no risk of anyone falling off now
We walk to the table in the centre of the terrace
We pause - look at it and at each other - we're thinking the same thing and are speechless until Nelly puts it in words...
"You can see them, can't you? She'll be sitting here next to this person and talkin to that person drinking coffee." We see them there and reminisce about priceless memories...
"Mann, we miss ACJ so much."

So long farewell to a dear friend

Chennai's loss is Bangalore's gain

So I wished goodbye and all the best to someone who's a close friend
but so much more. Someone great to talk to. Someone wonderful to meet.
I sat looking at faces of not long ago - yet time has really passed
but when we meet it really seems to dissolve
We're picking up right where we dropped off
Smiles all around and im thinking life was made for moments like this
laughter echoes across the night sky-who cares about whos listening
we took the table outside to scream as loud as we want

the glow of small lamps dimly light up our surroundings
it has an almost candlelight quality to it-like the light from streetlight seen through a window on a dark night
the darkness only broken momentarily through the flashes of my camera
Confused but bright expressions respond to the flashes
conversation never felt so good - why is it so rare

As i write this - i hear the song "one in a million" by Bosson
I can't help thinking how appropriate some things can be
She certainly is one in a million,
something special inside which she wears so well
People like you truly let us figure out what life's all about
its about the journey- and people like you make the journey so worthwhile
thanks for everything-for jus bein you
enjoy Bangalore Cheryl- we'll miss you
We'll see you soon.

The tears we shed - Part I Super Sunday

The American independence day---the 4th of july. A day of happenings every sports lover dreams of. A day which comes very rarely in the space of a few years seeming some cosmic occurence like a solar eclipse.
It was Super Sunday as it was known. A day i would be likely never to forget-- a day every sports lover will forever rue to have missed. The quantity and choice was enough to make you cry. The only comfort could be the remote in your hand playing God and asking u to pick one or flip among them.
Taking it from the top, Cricket ENgland show their true colours-though Stephen Harmison may be an emerging star, England has a long way to go to be world beaters. New Zealand put them in their place. Fleming on 99 misses out on well-deserved century. Across the oceans, Sri Lanka struggled to salvage some pride without Muralitharan's services against Australia. >>FLIP channel<< Formula 1 The French Grand prix, Schumacher works harder and smarter than he ever has to put it past Fernando Alonso, who is taken aback that he can be beaten by someone who taken four pit stops to his three. A Further shock awaits the Renault team as Jarno Trulli was to lose his podium place fifty metres from the finish line to Rubens Barrichello.
>>FLIP<< What is there to watch in the LPGA tour these days with upstarts like Anika Sorenstam soaring high no matter what her real ability is, and if her main challenge comes from 14 year old Michelle Wie, what more can one say? >>Flip<< Hockey Germany fights to win the four nation tournament against Holland and India plays its worst ever tournament losing all its matches by a large margin inspite of more than enough corner opportunities to score.
Tennis, Wimbledon The 118th Wimbledon Champiosnhips heralded the rise of Maria Sharapova and sublime excellence of Roger Federer. If she brought you to tears when she beat Lindsay Davenport coming back from the brink, even more were shed when she spoke after winning the championship against Serena Williams, such honesty was enough to catch a glimpse of her soul. Federer came up against some missiles from Andy Roddick but walked through. "i threw everything including the kitchen sink at him" Roddick would say after, "but he went to the bathroom and got his bathtub." Federer is the surely the champ who is here to stay.
EURO 2004 Long Live the Underdog. For those like me who love to support the underdogs, euro 2004 was a dream come true. These particular underdogs did not do it by fluke. they worked to a plan--it wasnt flashy, it wasnt rocket science. The others simply did not have an answer. Thierry Henry and Zinedine Zidane didnt, top scorer Milan Baros and his pals tried but could not find one. The hosts tried twice but came up short. Charisteas and Zagorakis have become household names and evry player now can demand million dollar contracts from the big clubs. Well Done, GReece, the biggest surprise of euro 2004.
Through the triumph and the heartache of super sunday there is also a tear for being lucky enough to witness it this day.

Disillusioned/Livin' on a prayer

Everything can seem so vague and uncertain
When you get immersed in the details
I feel so suspended at times
when I lose the vision of the eternities
Playing the waiting game can be hard
when it turns out to be a numbers game
But in Living on a prayer lies the hope
The patience and strength not to lose hope
Living on a prayer keeps the spirits up
When will all the uncertainty end?
Let prayer show you His way

Like the last words of "The Count of Monte Cristo"
"Only God knows what the future will bring.
And until He decides to reveal that future to man,
man must simply wait and hope...wait and hope."

Like the words of the matchbox 20 song, "bent"
If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
Give me more than I can stand
When my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I’ll smile again

Can, you help me
I’m bent
I’m so scared that I’ll never
Get put back together
Keep breakin’me in
And this is how we live

Like the words of "living on a prayer"
We've got to hold on to what we've got . . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer. . .
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got.
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer

The Day of the eagles

It was a day like any other. except that it wasnt. it was a Sunday-- a very long Sunday as it seemed. Was on my way down Greams Road, stray thoughts whistling through my head like the words of a 'No Doubt' song. I look up and i see you. You came in with the breeze. On sunday afternoon. I never thought you could be that way. A flock of eagles, so many in number i had never seen before just floating, around each other. I took a mental picture thinking to myself i should not forget this. How beautiful it is.
Wings so full of stillness as if giving you time to know who they are. The gliding is so slow you are happy if life slows down just enough to see it that clearly.
Thoughts strayed to the destination at hand. Oh yeah, another occasion when time slows as you enter the place where u have spent a hundred getogethers with the people who u have known you much longer than most. We were like those eagles who used to set out on our lives but ever so often come together to celebrate the fact that we have each other. We laughed, played, grew up, watched each other change. Somehow, when we were spending time together the hours seemed like minutes. And the months between reunions were forgotten. When u were at odds with the world, these people always seemed to take you out of your mind. They have their hang-ups sure, a whole bunch of 'em but somehow yet they testify everytime they see you that blood is thicker than water.
Of course, they may not seem as enthusiastic as we were in the old days, but neither am I. But what i'm sure we all feel in some degree is gladness for having what many others dont. Sometimes you just feel time slowing down in between a card game of "bluff" as eyes float from one to the other trying to see who can read the other the best. Or when we used to play "Dumb Charades" the sheer pleading in the eyes of the person imploring u to guess correctly all stay ingrained in your memories. Suddenly especially when your mind wanders sometimes in the middle of a good time, thinking back to your life which seems so far away, You freeze the smiles and beautiful expressions on the faces around, thankful for being so lucky. Suddenly, a voice breaks through those thoughts; "Vineeth, its your turn."
Sure our interests changed, we evolved but somehow a strong bond that was created always brought us back together. We wished only the best for each other, forgettin the disagreements and rememberin the times when we covered up for each other like breaking a lamp in a violent game of "blind man's bluff". When we had midnight swims just for fun, or raided the refrigerator with the lights out, because we wanted to enjoy each others company. Who among us can forget the games of "Limbo" with a long red scarf or the games of "Twister" where we got ourselves into the most awkward positions.
Sure this Sunday may not be the same but it has grown from all of those. And when we say Hi there is acknowledgment of how much it has taken to get here. Just enjoy every minute, we will be there sharing your joy and sorrow always. We sit and talk and exchange more about our lives. We are so proud of each other. I am so happy for everything they are because they remind me how nice life is and to be thankful.

Never ending thoughts

Have u ever had a conversation that was so long you never knew when it would end?
What if you could never bring that conversation to an end. What would be the difference between listening and amazement at how time passes so relatively in the space of one conversation.
The topics vary and only one word is needed in edgeways for a never-ending stream of comments that have little to do with what you said but maybe a word here and there may seem relevant. not to say that hours of intellectual discussion are boring. on the contrary, for the large part it can be highly intellectually stimulating.
JUst when u think u are steering the conversation where u want it to go to give you more breathing space, suddenly u are back in noman's land nodding and wondering what comes next.
And then theres your cue. grab that opportunity with everything in your body and mind to put your twopence in. well, actually now that u are in unmarked territory, it is more like half a cent. But play that card right, and it can carry you for the rest of the conversation having made an impact as the intellectual equal never giving your inablity to go on for more than a few hours.
But especially if the significant other is engagin in a plethora of topics that have various insightful infobits to latch onto, it is shame to give it up. Then this is the point that the conversation has reached the point of no return. the excuse out of the conversation would seem the obvious excape but it is not boredom but sheer longevity which is calling for an outlet.
Suddenly the ticking of the clock is in your mind. the hands of the watch seem faster and slower at the same time. Points are pondered, hints are dropped. enthusiasm cannot be made to abate. Suddenly it is there - flickering moments of destiny bound in a few scattered human movements.
Then as much in life - it is too good to be true. The movements are just precurser of more -much more flapping of jaw that now seems to draw attention to never before noticed facial features.Finally the realisation is at hand that much more thought process is going on than necessary and suddenly it is really over- wellbeit it another hour after the bounding of destiny.
Suddenly it is capsuled as a memory never to be forgotten. an experience that definitely had to be felt to totally understand. In the end, a washing over of gladness for the unexpected in life.

Musing

Don't count the years-count the memories...........

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;

but by the moments that take our breath away!

Job-less

The weight of the world seems to be on u. You feel you ought to be glad to have free time but it is ruined by visions of failure, constant reminders of the future and uncertain hopes.

Late seems to be the time to hit the sack and late seems to be the time leave that wonderful refuge when u can forget everything that did or didnt happen the day before.

The television- man's greatest invention--- actually a close second to the Air-conditioner which is Chennai's greatest saint in these times of stifling heat which saps sense and enthusiasm.
The television is elevated to the status of king, the king can show you unending mediocrity (the bold and the beautiful) or amazing insights into heart, mind and soul (the practice).

There is the college which seems to have turned into a video of Shaan with visions of people fading in and out of focus. Life is slow motion in the hallways. A locker slightly ajar and all you can see is somebody kneeling and turning to smile as u walk past before slowly fading into misty nothing. The silence is longing to be broken with nothing to do it. My Footsteps sound like thumps of a hammer on wood in the emptiness. Where is everybody? Where did they go? Was it that long ago?

The desolate emptiness which seems to take ten times the usual time needed to go up and down. Why am I going up and down? suddenly logic is forgotten and it is all feeling... sensing... knowing...

Is this job--less??? i talk aloud knowing there is noone to hear. I talk louder more to myself than anything. I feel a rustling near my legs. I realise im down again. i dont remember walkin there. Ahh it is the canine that seems to be forever here. Well, someone better than noone. It is quite a conversation and his nods and jerks are almost passionate in response to my words as if understanding the explanation as what a dogs life is and why things change when they do. He settles in silence nodding apparently liking the sound of my voice though the meaning seems to be going in as he closes his eyes. sometimes they understand more than you think.

Sometimes you unexpectedly feel good doing something which came as an impulse. Such is life.

SHE

She is the one you never expected
She is seen in a light you never saw her through before
SHe is something and she can be everything
She is closer than u ever thought possible
She is also further than u ever dared go
She is someone who was always special
She is the warmth of feeling
She is the heartbeat of yearning
She is what you've been searching for and didnt even know it
She is the reason you're afraid to admit
She is why ur eyes dampen and mind swirls
She is the simplicity of life
She may seem to be lost to u
She is the last hope u nurse
She may bring out anger as well as love
She is the greatest of surprises
SHE WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR THOUGHTS...

The Beach Parts I and II

The Beach Part I - The Friday Marina

A few days ago in a bit of strife
I took a look at my life
While staring into the ocean
watching the waves in motion
It puts one's life in context
not worrying about whats next
Just grateful for knowing great friends
and hoping it never ends
Why life changes as fast as it does
Is the meaning that she is not as steady as she goes


The Beach Part II - The Sunday Elliot

Yesterday, when sadness overcame me
that someone close was leaving me
Elliot had the answer in her hand
In the road beyond the sand
As i sat and talked i was glad
that i took the journey inspite of work i had
I loved feeling that i had my whole life before me
And great things might be in store for me
Only one thing is for sure
my memory of ACJ will always endure

Broken wings learn to fly again

A free return ticket to anywhere in India. Courtesy two years of using Dishnet DSL. It has to be redeemed within a short time. Limited budget for study. What did I do? what did i do?

It has been a very long time since i flew. My wings were clipped about 14 years ago. In the sense that i never had to fly for a long time. As a kid, it was a thrill. So Now, no big deal, right. Wrong. It was a nice surprise. Kolkata was the destination one weekend. It felt strange. Jus watching the wheels turning as it acclerated and feeling the rush towards takeoff.
Suddenly as Chennai dropped off, I realised where computer games like Simcity, Pharoh, Mobrule and Age of Empires got the concept. It is basically the same. you have the idea and plan out the city in a specific structure to make one place most accessible to another. Of course, down there we think it is as unorganised as ever but up there it holds a different kind of beauty.

I wish it had stayed 7000 feet a lot longer. It followed the coastline though and finally u realise why Marina beach is the second longest beach in the world. at 25000 feet you wonder why the sea has different blues and why it is darker in patches, relatively small patches. Of course the answer is obvious. it is the clouds. the shadows of the clouds on the sea which was not at first evident.

At 35000 feet, you are just wondering how close together the clouds are and where were the gaps that seemed so clear when you are down there. they seem to have totally disappeared.

When the plane is at level flight. this is the time to observe the wingtip. it gives little jerks and moves up and down enough for you to know the wind and pressure out there.

the rest of the flight was nothing much except for stale airline food and good-looking stewardesses.

Kolkata was a place of amazing culture. i had a great time.
These wings were glad to fly again.

Solitude

Have u ever felt that u want to just be alone
And just feel and think...keep thinking without anybody saying "why do u look stoned"
Unlike Sumanto i don't have reason to just suddenly sit down and think. However, i have enjoyed that feeling of solitude a lot and this poem was on one of those occasions.

SOLITUDE

Solitude can be a cloak on a cold winter's day
A break from reality in every which way
Sounds you can only see, people you can hear
But in relation to them, you aren't really near
When you're driving in the cold night air
The wind blowing through your hair
Stars sparkling way beyond the road
As you head towards your special abode
Away from the strifes of the world
Forgetting all that might seem to matter
On this peace no stone can be hurled
Being alive is the only thing that really does matter
Solitude of soul is a cold shower on a hot day
Water washes thoughts like the grain through a sieve may
Soulful bliss envelopes your head
And stays with you until you go to bed.

If u ever feel a free mind

A mind swept clean of burden
Without a single thought of the world of men
Tends to be like an angel floating on high
Like a catcher in the rye
Pure joy accompanies free spirit
Not constrained by a single writ
Clarity of thought is a raft on white water
Tossed about but finally resting on still matter
Having survived an accomplishment so hard
Lies the truth that letting down your guard
Sometimes results in transparency of mind
Found only after years in the life of mankind
Pray for knowing it everyday
Even for a single minute in every way
Nothing like it exists in the world
For it is like all life's truth unfurled

Feeling

All i knew
was the love that grew
Ever since i've known you
Like something unknown
like in a warm waterfall alone
Watching the sun rise out of reach
across the great blue sky beyond the beach
Like a song i've never heard
Like a never seen before bird
Only the beat of my own heart
Like a stroke on a canvas of art
Watching, watching, waiting... not losing hope
Almost giving up and ready to mope
When the feeling comes over me
of something I could'nt quite see
Only knowing I'd been there before
Wishing and wanting to feel it once more

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